1. Loosen up first. The ideal method is to throw back four fingers of scotch. If the urge to jog persists, double the loosening exercise.
2. Check your resting pulse. If you can’t find your pulse, check the pulse of a loved one. This is sometimes called "playing doctor" and, with any luck, will take your mind completely off running.
3. Never run if you are a short person. Short people are built too close to car exhaust pipes. The noxious fumes get into their brains and make them crazy and they try to bite buses, which can be pretty dicey, especially if the bus has not stopped.
4. Always wear - a) a bra, and b) a jockstrap. (Cross out where inapplicable). The worst jogging injuries result from flopping. Never wear both at once. At least not in public.
5. Children often taunt passing joggers. After a while, you will become accustomed to this and even grow to enjoy it, especially if you carry a golf club and rap taunting children smartly across the back of the head with it.
6. Dogs can be a threat. If a huge, vicious dog charges you and lunges at your throat, say, "There, there, down boy!". If that doesn't work, show him your membership card from the RSPCA.
7. Set your own pace. If you black out after five minutes, you are probably running too fast.
8. After jogging, check your pulse rate again. This time if you can't find it, you are quite possibly dead. Look at it this way: your corpse is sure in great shape!
2. Check your resting pulse. If you can’t find your pulse, check the pulse of a loved one. This is sometimes called "playing doctor" and, with any luck, will take your mind completely off running.
3. Never run if you are a short person. Short people are built too close to car exhaust pipes. The noxious fumes get into their brains and make them crazy and they try to bite buses, which can be pretty dicey, especially if the bus has not stopped.
4. Always wear - a) a bra, and b) a jockstrap. (Cross out where inapplicable). The worst jogging injuries result from flopping. Never wear both at once. At least not in public.
5. Children often taunt passing joggers. After a while, you will become accustomed to this and even grow to enjoy it, especially if you carry a golf club and rap taunting children smartly across the back of the head with it.
6. Dogs can be a threat. If a huge, vicious dog charges you and lunges at your throat, say, "There, there, down boy!". If that doesn't work, show him your membership card from the RSPCA.
7. Set your own pace. If you black out after five minutes, you are probably running too fast.
8. After jogging, check your pulse rate again. This time if you can't find it, you are quite possibly dead. Look at it this way: your corpse is sure in great shape!
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